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Life is An Experiment JPGWow !   Life sometimes just knocks at my door and this time I answer alert and conscious.   My swagger changes and a certain sense of awareness comes over me .  As I break my experience down to moments of satisfaction and overwhelming sense of contentment and importance.  A moment when I realize I am there for myself.  I can’t explain it, other than to say f or the first time consciously  “I really like myself ! ”   Where as the “cool” side of me really dug the “real” side of me and they bonded.  I seemed to experience a deep sense of respect for a side of me I’ve taken for granted.

Maybe we have never really gotten to know ourselves.  Honestly, do you really know yourself?  This is someone that you spend every moment with.  Have you become so codependent on yourself that you’ve given up?  Enabling and excusing your behavior due to not wanting to face your own need for growth? Or just justified your actions cause your too lazy to admit that you could be possibly wrong?  This person (part of yourself)  stands by you and puts up with all your shit.  They watch you as you drag them around through one situation after the next.  Whether it be a good time or bad.  They are always there, smiling or crying by your side.  So I ask you one more time. Do you really know yourself?  I mean can you depend on yourself?  Do you have your best interests at heart?  Have you not stood up for yourself? Have you let others overpower you?  I’m sure 80% of you could answer YES to at least one of those questions.

That’s why I have suddenly switched.  I can’t explain how other then my circle of evolution has come full circle.  It all makes sense suddenly .  I’m happy.  WOW,  really I am.  Nothing has changed, other then my perception of myself.  I’m there for myself for one of the first times.  I’ve proven to myself that I got my own back and won’t put myself into situation’s where I would have to figure my way out of.  I respect who and whom I spend my time with.  I keep an open heart to allow love in and have compassion for those who don’t know how.

These last few months have been heavy, one of my close friends lost her partner and another lost his teenage daughter.  I can’t imagine the pain they must feel, when life suddenly just switches gears .  This has really made me realize ;  we are truly alone in this world.  We have each other for support and companionship.  But we must have a good relationship with ourselves,  to be able to carry on when tragedy occurs.  Hold on and buckle up, cause the only thing we have control of , is the destination we desire.  Then the rest is up to our own internal navigation devise.  We get re-routed when there is a sudden detour in our course.  Keeping calibrated to our own soul as our internal authority we must use self care to provide the rest stops needed  along the way.

There is a calmness when you can surrender to your own respect and become proud of who you are.  Honored to discover new mysteries about yourself and find unheard of strengths you didn’t realize  you had.  These attributes and findings come when you believe in yourself and allow the vulnerable you to flower.   Finding a way to have self – esteem  through all the dark places  you may go,  when faced with your old story.  Rising above what others think of you and concentrate on what you think of others.

Let your first instinct to love and have compassion be the forefront in decision making.  It is not your place to control how others think of you it’s actually none of your business.  What is your business is how you think of yourself.  You have every right to Love whomever you choose.  Or not be friends with whomever you choose as well.  It does go both ways.  Mainly it is not to get yourself caught up in this web of mistrust and insecurities.  The most confident person you know has moments of insecurities, don’t you ever think differently.  We are all in this experience together.  That’s why we concentrate on our own experiment and leave our other lab partners to their own.   This way at the end of the day we can share our discoveries and create a world of  mind- blowing revolutions that will evolve our spirits to creating the funnest, loving experience we have ever imagined.   I’m ready to share the Nobel Prize of Life with you.  So do your studies … concentrate your attention on the subject at hand… YOU.

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I’ve been dealing with some pain management lately and I have to say, whether it is physical or emotional we suffer the same consequences. Mine is due to a car accident that has caused me physical pain.  At times I feel fine, then when I have to quickly respond I realize I am not fine.  This experience has made me compare our emotional pain with our physical pain.  I’ve noticed that when I go through the day I must have a constant nagging pain that I’ve learned to ignore.  We call it adapting or compensating in the health field.  As anything else where there is energy there is a flow, you can block it mentally or even numb yourself physically, but it has to come out eventually.  This led me to realize most of us walk around in an adapted stage compensating for our pain and stressing other parts of our support. Once again, Emotionally or Physically, we have to lean on other parts of our structure to get us through.  I found myself resisting the decision to take action.  Making a decision that can change your world seems more painful then than managing pain itself.  Eventually, I realized I have no choice.  I am awoken in the middle of the night faced with my choice.  I toss and turn, cry in agony, cursing all that were involved and allowing myself to become the Victim of circumstance.  How could they, why did this happen to me, “F” it I have to choose drastic measures and do something. I must get help.  Then I reach for the Vicodin, in 15 mins I’m back to sleep dulling the pain that was pushing me to move on.  Instead, I muscle through another day.  I’m fine, I seem to manage OK.  Yet there is a constant pull, a constant drain.  It is effecting my work, and my social life, but most of all it is draining my spirit.

Then we have to get to this point of our journey.  WHY THEN?  Why is it so hard to make a decision to get help?  Is it too much work?  Who can I trust?  I can’t afford this, nor do I have the time in my busy day.  Well, let me tell you this, from someone who for a month to the day now, realizes it seems like an eternity.  It consumes you no matter what you tell yourself.  Your choices are guided by the fear of re-injuring yourself.  You stop yourself from enjoying life, you manage by self medication or just getting by.  No longer for me!  I’ve made a decision to go to professional and get the surgery I need.  Once a scary life changing decision, it turned into the universe aligning everything I need.  From a support group of friends that love me and will be there for me during recovery, to my clients being supportive and loyal.  I’ve even found an amazing replacement for my job that is eager and honored that I chose him.  I didn’t ask to get T-Boned in my car, no fault of mine.

But now on the positive side of things.  I get to take a step back and hit the pause button.  I don’t get paid while I’m recovering, but I will manage with the temporary sacrifices I am willing to give myself.  Eventually my energies will be replenished, but this time a pure flow of rejuvenated self care will be available. I even noticed my leased car has not been racking up miles while in the repair shop. “Score” 🙂 I was cutting that lease agreement very close. My choice to not take rental ins had me mad at myself and angry at the uninsured motorist that hit me. Then I quickly took a chance and asked a dear friend for help by lending his car while out of town. He happily offered with no skin off his back.  I even helped him by giving him a ride to airport. Now I feel a sense of love and appreciation in a world once dark and victimized.  I realized taking care of myself in-turn takes care of others.  I don’t need to compensate for my pain and react unnecessarily.  My loved ones and clients don’t need to suffer because I am adapting to my pain.   I don’t need to live in this lower vibration of limitation anymore.  There are choices and love that can open up, once you just make that decision to help yourself.  Sure I’m scared, but a therapist once said to me years ago and I’ll never forget; “If you weren’t scared of what confronts you, you won’t have what it take to get the job done”.  I may have paraphrased a bit, but you get the drift.  We know what to do to get the job done!  So let’s make the decision to be healthy, and the healing will follow.  Ask for help if need be, do whatever research that can reassure your mind, but just do it.  The difference is amazing.  I’m here for you if you want to share your experience and need support.  Life appears in many ways to show us things that we desire, pay attention, not to what is physically happening to you, but to what message it is giving you.  We can actually help ourselves and help others when we stop viewing our situation as we are alone in need.  Don’t let anything or anybody rob you of what is rightfully yours! Your spirit awaits you.

Leave you with these last words:

“It takes more courage to allow yourself to be vulnerable and ask for help, then hiding in your shadow of pain” Steen