There’s nothing like just sitting with your old friend.  It’s like that comfortable feeling of coming home, free to just be you, knowing that you are safe with no fear of being open and honest.  Yet, sitting with an old friend that you have outgrown or has been dishonest with you can feel down right toxic.  This kind of person is constantly in a state of fear or victimhood.  They inevitably end up judging you or pressuring you but most of all creating unnecessary drama.  

I honestly came to a standstill; I was over it.  Could this be the last straw?  All I wanted was to leave or go to sleep so I didn’t have to discuss or feel this pain any longer.  Constant chatter and endless emotions sent me into a tailspin. The sense of inevitable doom charged the moment… and I felt myself reacting. I would do anything to shut them up. During these times I would reach for anything to distract them:  party, escape into a mindless movie, Facebook surf, seek others attention, mind numbing actions, but never facing the situation heart on.  

Stewing in my exhaustion, I recognized the need to take a moment to calmly sit with them in silence.  Eventually I created a space which allowed me to not react but become grounded in my personal power.  I was able to take this time to question and feel what was awaiting me. What are the triggers or stories that stir me up?  It’s said that when a particular trigger is set off it is a reflection of something that we do not like within ourselves.  I attempted to remain calm during this uncomfortable space, and eventually these awkward waves of energy dissipated.  I was able to see that their intentions were coming from the right place. They may have sensed I was not being 100% honest with my own needs or not coming from that special place in my heart thus leading them to feel unsafe with me and constantly testing my intentions.  

I needed to contribute more of my authentic self to our relationship to bring safety within our bond.  It was remarkable how this silence gave me the space to learn how to manage our relationship. I had to remind myself to remain in my heart and not my head space.  This allowed for empathy and compassion to surface which eases anger and frustration. As much as they can be so annoying and constantly challenge me, I love them so much and I know how much they love me.  We have been through a lot together and I can see how it could be easy to judge and become over protective.  I appreciate that they care enough to not want me hurt or harmed in anyway.   

When I finally took the time to slow the situation down and not react, I saw how I ultimately was the one who allowed the other to control my state of mind.  Constantly testing me, by dragging me from one place to the next, sabotaging opportunities, not trusting, becoming jealous, mindless, needy.  I started to allow this golden moment of silence to blanket us with reassurance that we can trust in each other.  Allowing us to get to the heart of the matter.  Once I became more of a witness rather then the victim, I was able to breath, and embrace the ultimate Love that they so innocently have for me.  My heart became more open and I felt so much more calm and hopeful and optimistic for our future. I guess I just had to acknowledge them and let them know I love them, I hear them and they can trust that we got this.  Sometimes we have to be the bigger person in the relationship, and lead with awareness of their needs, and respect loving boundaries. I allowed that space to be there for both of us to be safe, to be vulnerable and more open with greater opportunities to grow. 

I’m sharing this with you all cause we all share a relationship like this.  Ours is not unique, but unique to me.   This kind of relationship is with yourself.  As we spend more time creating that space and silence, we allow our relationships with ourselves to blossom.  Let’s face it, He or She are in it with you for the long haul, so you best get to know them.  Gives a whole new meaning to BFF.

Editor: Anita Antonio